Letter from Lucifer to Pat Robertson: "Good Work on the Haiti Project!"

Dear Pat,

I must say that I'm pretty impressed by your fine work. At the same time, I'm a little frustrated that you and Rush have managed to one-up me this time. I'm just glad that my friends at the Vatican aren't still editing scripture, because you might take my "son of the morning" title (Isaiah 14:12) due to your nifty work each morning on The 700 Club.

Despite my envy, I have great joy in your success. To think that you have made the slaves of the Haitian past the bad guys brings me great glee! Pat, I can't wait until that day when I shall call you home to me!

That chap whose words we twist, Jesus, told his followers: "In my Father's house are many mansions...I go to prepare a place for you...that where I am, there ye may be also" (John 14:2-3). Likewise my friend, I am preparing a special place for you in our comfy Lake of Fire. You won't have to worry about those cold January nights in Virginia any longer once I call you back to me. I'll turn the heat up mighty high for us.

You know, I agree with those so-called "liberals" who want to keep church and state separate; at least I did, until your presence filled the Earth with my way. Take every opportunity to keep jamming our perverse gospel into America as much as you can. Blur those lines of separation as much as possible! Continue to divide them and use the name of the one "on-high" to divide people, spread wars and hate. When you win these battles, we come closer to winning the war against "good."

I hate to cut things short, but I have to touch base with my other fundamentalist friends. Please send my best to Hannity when you can spare a few moments. I know you have important work to do, so I'll understand if it takes a few days to get to it.

Your Friend in Battle,
Lucifer